It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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