I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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