It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
