White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
