Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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