i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
