he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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