Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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