oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
