So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
