I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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