Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
