...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
