I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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