just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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