just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
