I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
