He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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