I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I wish there were birth control emojis
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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