why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
