dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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