is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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