Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
