i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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