I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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