My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Oh god it's open bar.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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