Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
