Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
