he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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