If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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