i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
