Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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