she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
