I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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