So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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