I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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