I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
