look no pants
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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