At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This is my gift to your gina
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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