2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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