Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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