Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
