I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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