I'd wear matching sweaters with you
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
