I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
