Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
