I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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