why didn't you poke me back
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
