I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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