I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
