i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
