Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
